The Congressional Black Caucus Had Better Save Mentholated Cigarettes

There is a reason Congress and I have been on a break for the last four months, and that reason is because, recently, I feel Congress has been like the controlling parents I already have. However, this may be the issue that forces me back into the ring: Congress is, yet again, hating on cigarettes. Specifically flavored cigarettes. [NYT]

Now, personally, I eschew flavored cigarettes. If you can't stand the taste of a cigarette and feel it should taste like a eucalyptus cough drop, I feel this is a sign that you are clearly too much of a pussy to be smoking. Not that smoking is cool or anything like that, because it's not. No matter how cool I look doing it. No. But regardless, I'm even more opposed to Congress telling me, you, or any other American over the age of 18 what type of cigarettes they can and cannot smoke.

The argument goes like this: Congress says that mentholated cigarettes lure in children and teens because menthol masks the taste of the smoke, making mentholated cigarettes more appealing to young wannabe smokers. Apparently, according to some un-cited study, some scientists and researchers claim there is evidence that mentholated cigarettes may be responsible for the elevated cancer rates among African Americans.

Now, I could make the argument here that perhaps we should be studying the thousands of millions of other factors that could be contributing to the fact that African Americans see more cancers than other groups. We could surely examine the fact that, in many major cities, African Americans are the group most affected by poverty, and that people living below the poverty level generally have a diet consisting of processed food high in refined salts, sugars, fats, and other products that have been proven to deteriorate health and promote diseases such as cancer and heart disease. Not to mention the fact that people living below the poverty level tend to not visit physicians or take precautionary measures with nearly the same frequency as those living above the poverty level. But I won't.

Instead I'll say this: regulating or even phasing-out mentholated cigarettes is not going to decrease the number of people taking up smoking. Nor is it going to decrease cancer rates among African Americans or other groups that largely live below the poverty level. I swear, if Phillip Morris ever stops producing Marlboro Lights, I will just start smoking other cigarettes. People will get over the taste difference, and Phillip Morris will surely not lose any money. Actually, I'm pretty sure that Phillip Morris will just find a way to flavor cigarettes with something other than menthol. Considering food scientists can make a gallon of high-fructose corn syrup taste like delicious fruit snacks, I am confident there is a chemical that will taste exactly like menthol when smoked with tobacco.

Also, are we really going to outlaw clove cigarettes, too? I promise, the fourteen-year-old girls, pretentious hipsters, and part-time potheads who make up the clove cigarette-smoking population will just start smoking something else. Probably regular cigarettes. Or pot. Dear Congress, how will you feel knowing that you've driven a whole demographic to start/continuing smoking pot? Just kidding. But not really.

In conclusion, Congress, laws are not the way to go about making people healthier. Not to be ridiculously cliche, but France has one of the largest populations of smokers in the world, yet still has fewer incidences of cancer than the United States. I'm pretty sure menthol cigarettes isn't the party at fault here.

Maybe instead of attacking mentholated cigarettes, or even cigarettes in general, we should look around for the actual factor behind why the United States is one of the least healthy nations in the world. I'm looking at you, processed food.